


petrichor

by ODed_on_jingle_jangle



Series: for you, above all [8]
Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cunnilingus, Established Relationship, F/F, Introspection, Oral Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Coital Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Reflection, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:09:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24960604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ODed_on_jingle_jangle/pseuds/ODed_on_jingle_jangle
Summary: The warmth of Addy’s hand against her cheek makes Beth feel steady. The gentle gleam in the deep umber of Addy’s eyes makes Beth feel seen, secure in the sense that she is loved. She feels like herself when Addy looks at her this way, holds her this way.Beth thinks she’s finally ready to give herself to Addy fully. For her fantasies to unfold, and for her not to stiffen up when they become realities. To let herself be touched, and feel touched as herself, as the person Addy’s adoring eyes promise her she is.
Relationships: Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon
Series: for you, above all [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667389
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	petrichor

**Author's Note:**

> This is a few prompts merged together. While things lighten up toward the end, this fic still touches on Beth's trauma and darker emotions, so please heed the tags. It's not nearly as graphic as most of my angst stuff tends to be but nonetheless, please be aware of such content going forward and bear the tags in mind. It's potentially discomforting content, even if things do get better in the second part.
> 
> Tiny Easter egg in here, but like, from a book nobody knows anyway.

There’s nothing in this world Beth has ever wanted more than Addy. Not to be cheer captain. Not to be worth enough to Bert to be more than bought off every time he feels guilty. Not even her mother’s sobriety, the very idea of which so much like some shiny miracle that if it ever did happen, Beth might become a believer in the divine. 

Maybe one of the reasons Beth wanted her so bad is because Addy actually seemed obtainable. Even in all her hunger. Obtainable to Beth and Beth alone, because she realized very early on that she was the only person who actually saw Addy. 

Beth knew for a very long time what Addy desired, the ruthless appetite in her no one else seemed to notice. The depths of it Addy herself refused to see. That’s the thing about Addy, always so nondescript when she wasn’t doing Beth’s bidding. Quiet, unsettling Addy, something off about her, but the kind of thing you couldn’t quite put your finger on, so you dismissed her as an odd one and called it a day. 

No one else saw it but Beth, and something in that made her feel special. For being the only one who could see it. Addy was the girl no one could win a staring contest against but Beth herself, and somehow all of those losers would miss the very thing that brought them defeat. Beth would only win because she dared to look at it and in doing so, she made Addy to let her win. It was a delicate balancing act of the most satisfying kind, like climbing to the very top of the tallest apple tree and precariously stretching your arm out to pluck that juicy, sun-ripe macintosh just out of reach. 

Some of Beth’s girls were smart enough to be afraid of Addy, but they never knew why. You wouldn’t know why to be afraid of Addy unless you actually knew her, but the things Beth feared from Addy were never like the things she should’ve been fearing, maybe. 

Because while what Addy wanted was no secret to Beth, Beth believed her own power was enough to make Addy want her more instead. Beth wanted to believe she could make herself be enough, that she could make Addy pick her over all of it, over everyone and everything else, because she’d show her that what they had was more important, the most important, the most enduring thing there ever was and ever could be. 

She promised Addy forever at the park, that night. She tied the hamsa on her wrist in the most naked act of devotion she could muster, and Addy kissed her softly, then kissed her harder, and oh, the taste of rainwater lingered in Beth’s mouth for days. 

Beth thought that meant she’d won. That their forever had won, that it meant Addy had finally chosen her and she’d even felt safe enough to let a wall down and confess the unfolding of the most beautiful moment of her life to RiRi. Because Addy had kissed her and surely that meant everything was guaranteed now.

Only it wasn’t. Addy went on as though it’d never happened at all. Even began to pull away, spent more time with her eyes tracing the curve of RiRi’s back then Beth felt necessary, glancing over when Mindy would bend down to pick up a dropped water bottle, licking her lips when Ms. “Stiletto” Settles would strut between their desks in history class as she passed back graded papers. 

Boys were one thing, well, Addy could kiss boys all day long and Beth wouldn’t bat an eye. Here and there, she’d even pick one out and nod Addy in his direction to offer her some release. Boys would never be anything important to Addy, the very fact that Beth had to pick them for her was proof enough of that. 

But girls were not boys and just the idea of any girls looking back at Addy the way she looked at them did horrible things to Beth’s insides. She imagined Addy lacing her fingers with RiRi, the many bracelets collected on their wrists rubbing together, and her stomach did backflips. She’d think of Addy slipping her hands under Mindy’s sports bra and the way Mindy’s breath might quicken, and her throat knotted painfully tight. She pictured Ms. Settles sitting on top her desk, using her hands to guide Addy’s up her thighs, and Beth felt downright murderous. 

She wanted to shake Addy sometimes, shake her back and forth and demand, _why, why, why did you kiss me if you were just going to forget? Why did you make me think the only thing I ever wanted was mine, if you were just going to take it away?_

But she didn’t, of course. 

Because that was not how she and Addy worked. To confront her would’ve been to fold, to admit defeat to whichever one of their never-ending games they were playing. Beth wasn’t ready to be defeated yet. 

That would come much later. That would come after Colette fucking French. That would come after all the worst things had been done, a couple of the worst things Beth had done herself, and the way she finally began crumbling under the weight of it all. 

When she finally stopped and asked herself, _can I be done now? Can I just let myself be done now?_

It was exhausting, all of it was so fucking exhausting and endlessly empty, and what was she doing anymore, anyway?

Beth seemed to feel it at practice most of all. Because she would fly as she was meant to fly and then on the way back down, find herself wishing she wouldn’t be caught. Find herself almost disappointed when she was. 

Beth wondered what it would be like to just be done. To not be snuck up on by the worst memories she didn’t actually remember when she walked to class and passed Kurtz by the recruitment table. To not catch him in her peripheral and feel like there were hands around her throat, squeezing, and squeezing, crushing her trachea like a paper straw. To not feel guilt stuff her mouth like cotton when the camouflage uniforms or a sigh from RiRi brought a reminder of Will— fuck, she never really cared for the guy, but she didn’t want to be the reason his fucking brains flew out of his head, either. She never wanted to be the reason anyone’s brains might’ve done something like that, besides Kurtz’s, or at that point, maybe her own. 

And Beth wasn’t actually the reason, she didn’t pull the trigger, so of course she wasn’t. But it was one thing to tell herself that and another entirely to wonder if maybe, if she didn’t hit ‘send,’ no one would’ve pulled any trigger at all. God, would it be fucking great to be done with that, all that wondering, all those hideous questions that had no good answers, no answers anyone would ever know.

Except maybe Addy. Even then, Beth had wondered what exactly Addy knew. Only, Addy was another reason she wanted to be fucking done already. Because she’d tried so hard, so fucking hard, and she still couldn’t win her back. There was no chance for that, she and Addy would never be together again. She’d never have the one thing she wanted most of all, the only good thing she ever hoped she could have when everything else was in ruins, then more ruined than ever before. 

Beth’s heart had been stabbed one too many times by one too many smiles and with everything else, being done was beginning to sound better by the day. Sounding peaceful. Just to call it quits, let herself rest. She was the girl who’d never slept, always awake, always watching, always so fucking aware she knew what it meant to go mad from revelation. She had begun to think she should grant herself that release, plunge from the pyramid, spill her brains all over the gym. 

Then Addy would have what she wanted. Beth would bestow her the greatest reward and the greatest punishment in one fell swoop. She would gift Addy the thing she wanted the most at the cost of her own life, and then Addy would stand on top and relish her height but never, ever, ever be able to do so without being haunted. Knowing that she had it only because Beth died to give it to her, knowing it was not something she achieved of her own merits, but something passed to her only when Beth’s last breath left her lips. 

Beth would die for Addy above all, and make sure Addy would never, ever fucking forget it. No one, none of them would ever fucking forget it. For once, she wouldn’t be forgotten, dismissed, or ignored. She’d go out with a show-stopping bang and then finally get to fucking rest. 

Beth never believed in an afterlife. No heavenly place up above of peace and doves and white light, or whatever. Some people thought that was _so_ sad, the idea of nothing awaiting them once their mortal meat sack gave way.

But Beth didn’t think it was sad at all. She didn’t want to be aware anymore. Just done. Ejected from the pain of existence, so long and goodnight, eternal sleep as black and dreamless as the abyss. 

She started to fantasize about it. Being done, and being done on her own terms before anything could get any worse. The abyss awaiting her like an umbral starless night that no daybreak would ever dispel. 

Beth fantasized about it so much, she was sure she would do it. 

Then Addy asked her to go to the prom and everything changed. 

Well, that’d be the simplest way to put it. Because a lot more happened than that, and it wasn’t even the half-assed prom-posal, really, but that they’d finally fucking talked. About everything they had to. They talked for real, for once in Addy’s life, she actually confronted the things she had to, and since Beth had nothing left to lose, she deserted her defenses and poured out like a femoral artery. They faced each other without masks and professed every festering truth with eyes wide open. 

The love wasn’t as dead as Beth had feared it was. Addy learned she didn’t have to close off that love to embrace her personal potential. Beth learned she could show that love without clinging like a drowning girl to a lifesaver. She and Addy didn’t have to be one to be together. They didn’t have to sink their claws in or pummel the breath from each other’s lungs with every silent affront to the other’s goals. They could just…be. 

Beth had thought all the wonder was gone from her life. That she’d seen through every fantastical facade there was and found nothing worth being here for. But it wasn’t true at all. What could be more wondrous than Addy’s eyes on hers, that deep, riveting umber? 

Beth had thought she was over it, all the stupid high school shit. Too wise beyond her years to get anything out of it. Jaded as any adult, maybe even as jaded as Addy never seemed to realize Colette fucking French was. But it turned out, it was just her own bullshit she’d been buying into, and Beth couldn’t stop herself from giggling like any other charmed, lovesick school girl when they’d gone shopping for prom dresses as girlfriends. 

The awe of her youth wasn’t as lost on Beth as the shit she’d been thrown convinced her it was. Maybe she was more aware than she cared to be, but it turned out that didn’t actually mean every bright spot had to be banished from her life. There was still serendipity to be found, little bursts of magic in every kiss Addy pressed to her lips. 

Pain is transformative. Beth had spend so long being hurt, feeling hurt, hurting herself, she’d come to expect a thousand tiny travesties every day. So intimidate with emotional agony, it was just plain boring after awhile. A bore to pick herself up and drag on through days dyed by excruciatingly predictable heartbreak and collecting invisible wounds. 

She didn’t think it was possible to be a kid anymore, with wounds like those. Seeing the world through her inevitably sleepless, wearied eyes. Wasn’t possible, wasn’t allowed. 

Except it was. Because joy still sparkled in her heart when she held Addy’s hand and trudged through snowbanks. Because she still couldn’t resist building little snowmen and giving them boners, and cracking goofy grins while Addy giggled like a goon. 

Beth was allowed to be the kid she was no matter what eyes she saw the world through, and she was allowed to love like one too. Allowed to love messily. Allowed to love imperfectly, allowed to make mistakes…and so was Addy. They would fuck things up because they were figuring everything out as they went along, and there’d been complication after complication already, but that didn’t mean they were ruined. 

Far from, in fact, they were just beginning. And that had been a tentative thing to trust at first. A fragile thing, like a limb newly healed after having been broken, cast just removed. It had been difficult to let herself believe in their love again and ironically, to know that holding onto that love actually meant loosening her grip. 

It became easier to trust in as time went on. As they found ways to spend the night together more often than not, curled up in each other’s arms. When they decided they were co-captains and verbally tore the throats out of anyone who dared to tell them there was no such thing. When Beth explored every inch of Addy’s body in ways she once only dreamt she could, and felt the loveliest moans roll past Addy’s lushly plump lips.

It didn’t mean life was suddenly perfect or anything. Cupcakes didn’t rain down from the heavens. Bert continued to let her down day after fucking day, and she was so used to it, she couldn’t be more sad than irritated— maybe that was even the worst part. Lana still drank herself into blackouts and stupors, and forgot to go grocery shopping, and it’s not like Beth could’ve brought herself to eat much even if there was food in the fridge. There were still many nights where Beth would wake up screaming, flailing, and drenched in ice cold sweat. Terrorized by nightmares of being split the fuck open, of unrelenting arms and wicked wolf grins. 

But those nights were much easier to get through when Addy was there. It was easier to fall back to sleep with Addy’s heartbeat as her lullaby. With the security of Addy’s arms wound tight around her, the soothing lilt of Addy’s gentle murmurs beneath the soft glow of the nightlight. 

Life wasn’t perfect. Life would never be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. 

It doesn’t have to exist, Beth never needed perfection at all. What she needed was a dose of reassurance, a pinch of stability, and a dash of hope. To know that there were things worth being here for, that there were better things than being done, and somehow it wasn’t impossible for loving Addy to be one of those things. Beth doesn’t feel hopeless anymore and that is enough. 

* * *

Addy is a puddle of goo after her orgasm, limp in the middle of the bed, gazing up at Beth through half-lidded eyes. Beth beams down at her warmly, brushing her fingertips along Addy’s graceful collarbone. She admires the sable cloud of Addy’s curls pillowed under her head. Drinks in the thick puffs of breath that pant past her lips, sweet as peach moscato. 

Beth then looks down at herself, pressing her tongue to the roof of her mouth as she ruminates. Her relationship to her physicality isn’t the same as it used to be, no matter how much she just wants to forget the things she doesn’t actually remember and move on.

She is not some ruined thing. She is not dirty or broken or soured like spoiled milk. It’s not like that. It’s not even like she doesn’t have a sex drive, either. She sees Addy like this, limbs splayed on the bed, sweat trickling around the underside of her bare breast, and desire burns between Beth’s legs. 

But it’s different now. It’s like even if Beth doesn’t remember the gory details of her assault, her body does. Sometimes it even makes her feel like her body isn’t hers, this unsettling sense that it knows things she doesn’t. That it was turned into something else without her permission, detached from her consciousness, the private security of her sense of self ripped away the moment she awoke and realized what had happened. 

And for a long time, that’s all Beth could associate being touched with. The uneasiness of her body being something other than her own that made her want to tear off her skin. The loss of something she couldn’t identify or articulate, but felt all the same, like a yawning hole in the center of her chest. The scrambling to hold onto a sense of self that lay shredded at her feet. 

“You’re staring off into space,” Addy murmurs, reaching up. 

Beth nuzzles her cheek into the curve of her palm, drawing a slow breath. Addy hums softly below her, stroking her thumb underneath Beth’s eye. She turns her lips into the heel of her hand and watches the corner of Addy’s mouth quirk up. 

The warmth of Addy’s hand against her cheek makes Beth feel steady. The gentle gleam in the deep umber of Addy’s eyes makes Beth feel seen, secure in the sense that she is loved. She feels like herself when Addy looks at her this way, holds her this way. 

Beth thinks she’s finally ready to give herself to Addy fully. For her fantasies to unfold, and for her not to stiffen up when they become realities. To let herself be touched, and feel touched as herself, as the person Addy’s adoring eyes promise her she is. 

“Addy.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I want you to eat me out.” 

Addy gasps, excitement flashing over her features. 

“Whoa, for real?” 

“Yeah,” Beth huffs, releasing an airy laugh. 

Addy beams up at her with a thousand watt grin and Beth can feel the anticipation thrumming off of her. Her own anticipation builds as she climbs over Addy, positioning her knees on either side of Addy’s head, drawing herself up. Addy hooks two fingers under her panties and begins to pull them down. 

Beth’s lips part at the nip of the air against her skin and Addy immediately pauses, giving her a careful look. 

“Is this okay?” 

“It is…”

“Are you sure?” Addy blinks up at her. “If you change your mind, it’s okay.” 

“I know,” Beth swears with a rush of affection as gooey in her chest as fresh cookie dough squished between her teeth. “I know, Addy, it’s seriously okay.” 

Addy relaxes and resumes. She pulls Beth’s panties further down and then her hands curl around the outside of Beth’s thighs as her mouth presses kisses insides. Pleasure ripples through Beth under each petal plush brush of Addy’s lips.

Addy lifts her head, the kisses getting higher and higher, until her breath fans hotly past the fine fuzz of Beth’s pubic hair, tickling her entrance. The tip of her tongue coasts over the folds of Beth’s pussy in a slow, cursory lap and Beth shudders as heat surges beneath her skin. Addy glances up again, like she’s checking in, and evidently confident, carries on. 

She licks between the folds with long, slow strokes. Beth feels herself getting wetter, feels the estrus between her legs intensify around each lap of her girlfriend’s tongue. Addy gives her clit a tentative flick and Beth exhales as her hips jerk forward. 

Addy’s hands grip her thighs more firmly, but she doesn’t return to the clit right away. She moves her tongue in loving, velvet soft strokes along the vulva. Beth’s breath hitches, heart pounding faster. Thrills pulse through her body like static electricity and it’s good, it’s so good, precisely because it isn’t too intense. 

Beth can ride the waves of the pleasure coursing through her and maintain her focus well enough to really be in the moment. To reflect on her experience as she rolls her hips into the gentle rhythm of Addy’s tongue. Beth is reclaiming something here and she’s not entirely sure what it is, exactly, but she is sure that it’s hers. This moment belongs to her and Addy alone, it is for them and no one else, and it’s happening because Beth decided she was ready to receive it. 

Her girlfriend is lavishing her with the softest, slowest draws and twists of her tongue and Beth’s blood pumps sweet as cherry syrup as her flesh flares hot. She’s never felt more awake, more alive, more present for anything. Beth is present with her body and one with her physicality as Addy licks back up to her clit. 

She swirls her tongue around it in languid circles and Beth lets out a moan, hands to her chest as she tips her head back. The languid circles turn to ginger flicks, then Addy alternates between. Beth can barely resist grinding against her girlfriend’s face as her lips close around the sensitive bundle of nerves. 

Beth finds herself nearing the edge when Addy begins to suck. She sucks tenderly at first, peeking up at Beth for reference. Beth gives her a reassuring nod before she tosses her head back as another moan irresistibly frees itself from her throat. Addy’s lips tighten and she begins sucking faster. 

Beth twitches as the white hot energy inside her reaches a kinetic crescendo. She dissolves into a haze of rapture as she climaxes, gushing all over Addy’s face. She feels her thigh muscles clench under Addy’s hands as this sound leaves Addy’s lips that makes her heart flutter even through the haze. 

Addy’s hands don’t release Beth’s thighs until she’s eaten up every drop. Only then does she let go, and Beth plops down to the mattress beside her, boneless in the most beautiful way. Addy smiles at her, mouth glazed with Beth’s slick and eyes shining happily. 

“So?” she asks. “Was that okay?” 

“Okay?” Beth huffs and playfully pushes at her. “Fuck, Addy, you rocked my world.” 

“Good. I’ve been wanting to do that for awhile.” 

Beth smiles, walks her hand across the comforter, and slips it into Addy’s. Addy licks her lips and interlaces their fingers. Outside, it starts to rain. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ngl, this looks bad to me. I personally am not satisfied with it. But the thing is, after weeks of deleting and rewording, rearranging and reworking, I'm just fucking tired of looking at it. So this is as good as it gets and I'm just going to accept that I'm not satisfied. Time to make peace and move on. Sometimes you just gotta move on, for me, this is one of those times. 
> 
> Thank you for being in my life, freshly completely fic of mine. I think you're unsatisfying, but I can accept your existence anyway and transition unburdened to my next step.
> 
> Will fix typos when I'm more awake.


End file.
